Rising Hegemon : It is only appropriate

"Moron Junction" is begging for money to supplement K-Lo's kibble budget. How many magazines are so poor that they beg for money while sponsoring the worst cruises this side of the Andrea Doria?

In any case, they are using a "Star Trek" theme for their money raising -- well this being a weekend and all it can only require one response.

The longest post ever...and the recycling of a former post in its entirety. I give you all three parts of "The Wankery" in one convenient (and irritating) location:

BEFORE THE SPECIAL COMMEMORATIVE DVD SET, WITH DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY HERE IS...

THE WANKERY PARTS I-IV

In the late winter of 2005 on Private Jonah Goldberg bravely asserted from his east coast suburban home that the nay-saying on the Iraqi War started by Commander Coo-Coo Bananas was false. Things were going great in Iraq and that some pointy-headed intellectual type like Professor Juan Cole was not going to dissuade him with something like factual information.

Jonah Goldberg, self-proclaimed non-Middle East Expert but "Common Sense" Genius: February 2005:

Anyway, I do think my judgment is superior to his when it comes to the big picture. So, I have an idea: Since he doesn't want to debate anything except his own brilliance, let's make a bet. I predict that Iraq won't have a civil war, that it will have a viable constitution, and that a majority of Iraqis and Americans will, in two years time, agree that the war was worth it. I'll bet $1,000 (which I can hardly spare right now). This way neither of us can hide behind clever word play or CV reading. If there's another reasonable wager Cole wants to offer which would measure our judgment, I'm all ears. Money where your mouth is, doc.

Now more than one year later, the Star Ship Moronica has pulled up to space dock and the past has come back to pay Private Jonah a visit.

Private Jonah, you stand accuse of incredible wankery in the course of furthering unjustified wars started by your team. How do you plead?

Not doughy!

That is no plea, we will put your down for not guilty. You must come with us to the Starfleet Justice Academy.

Can I wear my girdle?

Yes. But you must come now!

You're not the boss of me, I'll sic my mother on you! Mommy!!!!!

Very well. If that is the way you want to be. Let us set our phasers to tickle.

Alright, alright, I surrender!

What are you thinking about Professor Cole?

On our last episode Private Jonah was arrested by Star Fleet for Criminal Banality. On tonight's episode, the trial of Private Jonah begins from the halls of the Star Fleet Justice Academy.

Private Jonah, do you wish to be represented by counsel?

I'd rather have my mommy.

You realize this is a port city don't you? We've all already had your mommy. (laughter) Boo-yah! Hizzoner in da hiz house!

But seriously, do you have a lawyer or do you want one appointed for you?

I have an attorney, he is coming now.

Where da young barely post-pubescent white women at?

Very well, is the prosecution ready to begin?

Yes, we are your honor. The Prosecution states that over the course of several years, Private Jonah has exhibited a systematic pattern of pontificating as if he is all knowing upon a variety of subjects for which he has no actual knowledge whatsoever. In particular, in or about the months of January, February, and March stardate 2005 and continue to the present, Private Jonah exhibited profound stupidity and engaged in such actions as to enable the continuation of policies which enabled the deaths of several thousands of individuals. All of this comprising conduct unbecoming of a Star Fleet enlisted man.

Mr. Derbyshire for the defense?

My honor, as a man of profound intellect and refined taste, I can state with sincerity that I have known many people in the course of my life. I can further state with particular specificity that Private Jonah here appears to be one of them. May I point out your honor that we of the Starfleet worship a serious religion where we don't believe in strange bizarre things like regular fasting and traveling once in our lives to a place in Saudi Arabia. Places I might add where a man isn't able to appreciate the nubile curves of a variety of young ladies. No, sir, we worship a religion of logic where we think a young hippy who preached love and benevolence was crucified to give us eternal life all in the name of greater corporate profits and military conquests. Further, our religion doesn't deal with so many brownish people, if people I may call them, at least people that fit within the definition of people so loosely defined as to include my client Private Jonah.

Is the prosecution ready to proceed.

Yes your honor, I call a nameless member of the armed forces.

My God! He's wearing a red shirt!

We're screwed. Speaking of which, how old do you think the court reporter is? 20 maybe? Boy almost too old. The Derb better make his move pretty soon before the nubile-ity fades away.

SEVERAL RED SHIRTS LATER

Does the prosecution have any further witnesses?

We do your honor. The Prosecution calls Lieutenant Uhura.

Ma'am has the Defendant ever done anything that you found particularly repugant?

Well, let's say that after a career of being typcast, you are in yet another movie, only this time, Mr. big-time Star wants to direct. Well the next thing you know if you want to be in the movie, you've got to act like you are sleeping with Scotty. Scotty, talk about 'defyin' the laws of physics' yeesh. And do a fan dance too -- that would be teh hot! And where are we going? To find God naturally -- God, that's right and who does Kirk outsmart in this one? God. Kirk outsmarts G-O-D! But not before climbing El Capitan because "I'm T.J. Hooker" dammit.

Have you ever seen that jackass sing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"? Oh-my-God!

And Now a Special Commercial Break:

MEANWHILE, back at the trial

Ma'am, are we talking about Private Jonah?

What? You mean that wanker over there at the table?

Yes ma'am.

What the hell is he doing in that shirt anyway, he sure looks like red-shirt cannon fodder to me.

I'm busy with the war of ideas over here, so I cannot be over there.

Man, you're a worse actor than Shatner. What the hell is next for you, a wretched Sci-Fi novel series?

Don't you make fun of "A Few Quatloos More"

I think it is time for our break. Has the bailiff arranged entertainment?

Yes, your honor. Our budget was a bit tight, but we scrapped together enough quatloos for this dancer. Who, frankly, was hard up for money.

Well bring them on.

I put a spell on you......

Because, you're miiiiiiiiiine...

Wow, way, way too old. Even I find this incredibly disturbing.

I put my investments into these twoooooooooo...

I ain't lyin', oh no I ain't lying.....

Well, there goes lunch. Has the prosecution another witness?

Yes your honor. The prosecution calls Kate O'Beirne.

Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a blind man.

Several minutes later

I'm sorry ma'am but there is some obvious discomfort in your appearance. Could you use your alien powers to change into something less displeasing?

Better?

Much.

Later,

The prosecution having rested, does the defense have any witnesses?

Yes, your honor. A surprise witness. The Defense calls its witness, show her in.

Nooooooooooooooooooo!

I can't believe it. Who ever would have believed it?

Part I here;

Part II here;

When we last left the adventures of Defendant Pantload, a surprise witness appeared, well okay, maybe not a BIG surprise witness -- but play along people.

Ms. Lopez, are you able to speak?

Talk, can you talk?

Oh, yes. It's just that the beeping, I think it is damn cool. Like Kate O'Beirne is cool.

You mean the hideous salt monster? The one that isn't Nancy Crater because she can take a series of vicious right and left hooks, and use her suckers to deprive an individual of their precious bodily fluids?

Elsewhere, a CourtTV viewer takes notice...

Back at the trial...

Right, but it's totally Kate. She's pro-life you know. At least until it lives long enough to make a nice high sodium snack. Perhaps you've read her book?

No I haven't.

Well you should. It's totally awesome just like Kate!

Ms. Lopez, as you know Mr. Goldberg is here under a charge of making profoundly stupid and ill-founded statements. Are you familiar with this charge?

Oh, I'm sorry yes. Force of habit.

How do you know this to be true?

Because, I was with Jonah at the time he made those alleged profoundly stupid and ill-founded statements.

Explain.

He couldn't have made those statements. Because, at the time, Jonah and I were fighting crime.

But, people report that someone of Jonah's appearance, including dorsal girth was seen making such statements?

That's because it wasn't Jonah that made such statements. It was...

(BUM BUM BAH!!!)

Jonah's evil twin...

The AUDIENCE GASPS...

Was Jonah actually the victim of his evil twin?

Will K-Lo demonstrate her super powers?

Will Attaturk ever be able to wrap this fucking thing up already?

Part I, Part II, and Part III available here.

Jonah Goldberg is accused of wankery. Now, as many of you know, such an accusation is an open and shut case. But Jonah has many tricks up his wireless doohickey, and when we last checked in, his "surprise" witness, K-Lo had provided Jonah with an alibi that in these times should not have been too surprising. K-Lo alleged that Jonah had...an evil twin.

As we join the trial, the prosecution is about to begin its cross examination of the witness.

I know she won't crack, she's a stonewall. I know you are the epitome of conservative bravery K-Lo.

Before we begin, I must tell you that I have been recalled to be an extra in "Lost" so a guest judge will sit in for me.

Alright no fucking funny business, if there is any fucking funny business I personally will vaffanculo each and every one of you fuckers.

Is the fuckin' prosecution ready to begin?

Yes, your honor.

Then let's get this fucker over with.

Ms. Lopez, that was quite a story you told about Mr. Goldberg not making outrageous statements, but it being his evil twin who did so. But that's not the truth is it?

Do you understand ma'am?

He's asking if your story is fuckin' bullshit dumbass.

I object.

Shut the fuck up! You are so fucking overruled!

You want answers?

I think I'm entitled.

You want answers?

I want the truth.

You can't handle the truth. And I know only because as a long-time Bush supporter I've never been able to handle the truth either.

Well, try.

Okay, Jonah and I were not fighting crime in a literal sense.

So the truth is, your story is complete bullshit? Complete mother fuckin', bullshit?

Right.

Tell us the real story then.

Well, it begins three and a half years ago. Private Jonah and I were both stationed at Space Station Santorum, during "Operation Man-on-Dog". It was just us and a few other special space cadets. We all had a lot of time on our hands and looked into other pursuits.

You might want to click and listen to this in the background here

Byron York worked on his fencing.

Cliff May and Wolf Blitzer fluffed each other's beards.

Bill Bennett played Andorian dice.

Rich Lowry watched.

And some nameless red shirts wondered about aimlessly.

I'm Mark Krikorian, I'm Tim Graham, I'm Rob Dreher (not even pictured).

Warren Bell, gave the Federation, "The World According to Jim"

The stardates passed by, I watched a lot of television and Jonah acted as a diplomat for the people that came by...

And then one day it happened. After months of little action, something happened. Conservative pa'an farr. Jonah and I got together.

"Love lifts us up where we belong...where the eagles fly on a mountain high..."

And Jonah and I showed each other, our little tribbles.

Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a blind and deaf man.

Things were fantastic, we were less loathing than usual. And then it happened.

An attack by the terrorist.

By whom exactly.

Osama Podhoretz, a hideous hell-beast.

Our innocence was lost that day, when Pod ate most of our crew. Jonah and I went our separate ways, but our hearts remained together always...literally. That's why I'm in this artificial heart chair.

I wish I was dead Jim.